Ponderings

I've been reflecting lately about the last 12 months or so of my life.  I guess Cancer and other "trials" will do that to you!  It has certainly been interesting with what has come up for me.  So here goes with some of my pondering!  I have been overweight for much of my adult life...yo yo dieting, never really losing very much weight, always self conscious of parts of my body which I deemed to be less than adequate and not to be seen in public!  Most particularly my legs....my Mum had what you would call elephant or tree trunk legs, and whilst mine aren't exactly the same as hers, I do have large calves.  Anyway....I recently bought my first pair of jeans in about 40 years!  I have always struggled to find jeans that fitted my legs and backside, but weren't swimming around my waist, because, in comparison to my legs, I have quite a smallish waist!  And also because the jeans would show the shape of my legs!  For many many years, I used to sew my own trousers...which had extra wide legs, to "cover up" my legs...but it's funny you know.  When you wake up from major surgery and discover that you have had a catheter inserted, and certain private areas shaved, some things just don't bother you any longer....also, having poking and prodding every few weeks, blood tests, urine samples and weight taken some things have just stopped bothering me so much....don't get me wrong, you are NOT going to see me swanning on the beach in a bikini any time soon....but I am feeling a new found confidence in my body, with all of its lumps, bumps, scars and other imperfections.  This includes embracing my new, shorter hair and it's colour....from being a shoulder length blonde (with help) to VERY short grey....I'm loving it more than I ever expected....and I think it shows....I have so many people comment on how "well" I look....yes, I have cancer, but I have really not felt unwell as such...this has been a miracle in itself, which I give thanks to God daily for this fact.

I have recently bought this book by a favourite artist, Lisa Congdon, called A Glorious Freedom...which is a collection of stories about women over 40 who are living/have lived amazing lives....the subtitle is "older women leading extraordinary lives". Apart from the fantastic women showcased, it also has Lisa's wonderful illustrations throughout....and it totally inspires me to live my own life to its fullest.  I grew up hoping and expecting to get married, have children, etc etc....now, that didn't happen, and whilst as times I can sometimes wonder why,  I am really thankful to be feeling very content with the way my life is with all its challenges and unforeseen circumstances.
So anyway, I'll provide a bit of an update on the clinical trial....the really good news is that one of the tumours which is being measured has completely disappeared....I asked my Doctor at my last appointment, could it have moved somewhere else around my body...no was his answer.  The not so great news is that there is a spot on my liver, which is showing on the CT scan, however it may well be the same thing which showed on an earlier PET scan and is only now showing up on the CT scan....anyway, the doctor didn't seem to be too concerned as I know they'll be keeping a close watch to that is also reassuring.  The other good news is that my cancer count was under 20 so that was a relief too.

Well, if you have read this far, I am impressed and I thank you...and I hope my words have been an encouragement to you...see what I come up with next time!

Footnote....I started writing this a few weeks ago...since then, I have been suffering from a major cold and cough and have generally been feeling unwell, especially from all of the coughing!  I am due for my next appointment this coming Wednesday so hopefully I'll write an update soon after...thanks xx